I was doing my usual, early a.m. blog surfing today, and ran into this “Dear Abby” column over at Philly.com:

DEAR ABBY: I am slightly overweight and want to lose 5 to 10 pounds. I admittedly have little self-control and always eat whatever is put in front of me.

My problem is, my wife continues to stock cookies, ice cream and other goodies in the house. Even though I have asked her on many occasions to stop, she refuses to honor my requests. She says “the kids” shouldn’t have to suffer because of my lack of self-control. Abby, I’d like our kids to eat better, too. What should I do?

I’d hate to split up over this issue because we have preteens and everything else is going well.

- Frustrated in San Diego

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The print and television media have, for some time, been filled with stories about the importance of children learning healthy eating habits and urging parents to not only stock the fridge and pantry with healthy snacks, but also to set a good example.

Your wife may have missed all of this, or she may have some ulterior motive for making sure you don’t lose the weight. Should this end an otherwise good marriage?

No, but please understand that if you do not draw the line, your children may also wind up paying the price.

Aaarrgh! Is this a pointless response or what?  What does she mean by “drawing the line”?  What sort of actions does she think he should take?  How do they differ from what he’s doing now?

Must be nice to get paid for dispensing perfectly useless “advice”.  This isn’t about the kids.  It’s about two grown-ups acting like kids.

I think I can do better.  Here goes:

DEAR FRUSTRATED: In a few short days, I will be celebrating a big anniversary: my husband John and I were married on November 29, 1979.  Believe it or not, that’s 30 years.  And – if anything – we’re just as tight – if not tighter – than we were on the day we went to the courthouse and signed on the dotted line.  Thus, I think I know a bit about what makes a successful, loving, long-term relationship tick.

To be blunt, there’s no rational reason for a spouse to refuse to comply with a reasonable request… and your request to get rid of the goodies and lose some weight IS very reasonable.  Your wife’s rationalization (”the kids shouldn’t have to suffer”) doesn’t fly with me. Yes, the anklebiters will probably gripe – but they won’t actually “suffer.”  Temporarily depriving them of cookies and ice cream isn’t exactly child abuse… not to mention that your wife can take them to Baskin Robbins or Mrs. Field’s once in a while to ease the pain.

So, if there’s no rational reason for her refusal, we’re left with an irrational one – which is the norm in these situations, I’m afraid.  In my experience, diet saboteurs often feel threatened by their partner’s desire to change.  Your wife may be unwilling to confront her own eating habits and excess baggage; she may be afraid that a slimmer, fitter you will be more sexually demanding; or perhaps she equates food with love, and is interpreting your request to stop as a rejection.

If you want to break the stalemate, you’re going to have to grow a spine, and confront the situation directly.  You have a real communication problem on your hands.  It doesn’t sound as if you’re talking TO each other… rather, you’re talking AT each other.  If you don’t know the difference, then seeing a marriage/family therapist will be extremely helpful.

For the record though, your wife has a point: you DO need to work on your self-control.  Even if she ultimately agrees to your request, there will still be restaurants, holiday (and other) parties, food gifts, office doughnuts and other temptation ”mines” strewn in your path.  Right now, your wife is providing you with an oh-so-convenient excuse… you’re putting far too much of the responsibility for YOUR problem on her.  Sorry, but that dawg don’t hunt: she’s obviously NOT helping, but she’s not forcing you to eat the junk she buys, either.

Unfortunately, developing self-control isn’t like flipping a light switch on… it takes time and lots of practice.  Regardless of her cooperation, there will still be moments when you’re going to step on one of those mines. Count on it.  But if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward, eventually you’ll get there.  My favorite analogy is to Olympic ice skating – the skaters look so graceful as they serenely glide and pirouette on the ice.  But behind all that seemingly effortless perfection are a LOT of three-point landings on the cold, hard ice. Falling isn’t failing… rather, it’s part of the process of learning how NOT to fall. 

Some tips for managing in a temptation-filled environment:

  1. Build each meal around some lean protein, and make sure you get plenty of fiber – both are filling and help quell cravings/hunger.  Don’t skip breakfast, or go hungry if you can at all help it.  Stay well-hydrated.
  2. Use the “buddy system” – get together with a friend who’s also trying to shed some pounds… s/he can help you stay accountable.
  3. Got the boredom munchies or can’t stand watching the kids inhale ice cream?  Go take a walk – preferably a long one.  Or find some other diversion… such as heading over to Barnes & Noble or Borders, and sitting down with a big cup of freshly brewed coffee and a good book.  Doesn’t matter what you do - just get out of the house find someplace to go for a few hours.
  4. Buy some really strong sugarless mints or gum and always keep a pack in your pocket.  They keep your mouth busy, and will ruin the taste of any treats you eat immediately afterwards.
  5. Look for certain supps that can help suppress cravings and/or boost mood/energy (see our supp reviews for details).
  6. Put some cheat meals on your schedule.  If you give yourself permission to eat treats once in a while, you will feel less of an urge to pig out on them.  Eating healthy shouldn’t mean living like a monk, 24/7

Needless to state, if you get your own act together, you’ll be a great role model for the kids… and your relationship with your wife could improve too… “win-win.”

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